Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.