“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
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I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
the last thing a carrot sees
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
HR said no more nunchucks.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.