My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
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Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Every house has this drawer
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact