My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
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wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.