Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

Suuuuure

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time