My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
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lmao😭🤣
per my last wtf
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs