My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
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If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Look Ma, no handle on things
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Does this dress make me look cat?
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I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.