Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

My dog after a walk in the woods.

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

How does someone manage that 🤨

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.