My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
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Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I bet birds love this building.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals