My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Had an epiphany today.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
are they though??
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
A great first step 😂
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
did it work
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky