Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

This guy’s not having it 😆

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

*bites zombie*

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok