My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
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I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Do not levitate over flowers
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?