My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
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The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water