My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
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wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Can. I. Help. You.
it be like that
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o