Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
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[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life