My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
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I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs