My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free