My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
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My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.