My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
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“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*