My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
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A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.