Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should create new variants of dopamine

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫