My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
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Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
Okay, I’m still confused…
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.