Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

Daughter: [giving me attitude]

Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.

Daughter: Dad I’m 24.

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago