Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…

2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

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