my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
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Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
These are my roll models.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems