my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
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My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.