Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for