My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
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What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.