Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

Follow me for more life hacks.

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

Multitask? I can barely unitask

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.