My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
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Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
◾️
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING