My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus š”
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If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you werenāt so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DONāT SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DONāT SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board heās agreed to play ā¦
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok thatās low, Sharon
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, Iām self-centered
therapist: again, thatās why weāre here
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: Iāll put the kettle on
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
me: sorry i couldnāt stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isnāt gonna be a good day for you
Tractor: āLetās get to work.ā
Detractor: āLetās not get carried away.ā
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, youāre so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones š
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
āHuman sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition ā but could stopping it altogether be why the rains arenāt coming?ā ā bronze age opinion columnist
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you donāt get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn thatās a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Carefulā¦
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lavaā¦
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: youāre a DOG
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
DATE: Didnāt you order peppers on your salad? I donāt see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetariansā¦.
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy