Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.