My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
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mom had nothing to worry about
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.