My life coach traded me.
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Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful