Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

Fun Things

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper