* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
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I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.