* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
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Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
