* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
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Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Finally, an explanation.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir