* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
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Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
c’mon!
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.