My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
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two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I saw nothing
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Livid.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …