My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
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A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.