My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
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😂💯
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”