Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

Growing out my freckles.

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

me and the Superbowl rn

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.