My life in a nutshell
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Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
We found love in a hopeless place.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Sunday
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.