My life in a nutshell
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I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
estão todos miauvindo?
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I’m giving up ice.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl