My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.