My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname