My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
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WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.