Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts