My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
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HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
#ProTip
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.