My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
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A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
asked my bf how work was today
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate