Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

What is going on? 😅

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

🤣🤣

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.