My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
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I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
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#TopTip
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Midwest trash talk
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch