My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
this is a sign that you need a union
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.