You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
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If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
😂😂😂
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”