My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart….

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I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.


every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“


Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.


I recently bought one of those Dutch ovens, but everything I cook ends up tasting like farts.


Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger


My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.


Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*


I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET


What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish


The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.