@CheryeDavis

My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart….

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@MarieColette

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

@nikkiblackcat

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

@_Water_Baby

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

@FinnMcIver

I recently bought one of those Dutch ovens, but everything I cook ends up tasting like farts.

@CherBear162

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

@Cpin42

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

@thedadvocate01

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

@jimmytorosian

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

@iwearaonesie

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

@Quartzjixler

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.