My life is fraught with reality
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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second