My life is fraught with reality
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
☠️☠️☠️
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
