My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
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Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
😭😭
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Bruh
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Y’all know who you are.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.