Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

Leftovers are for quitters!

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.