My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
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Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
groan^2
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
Oh my god
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.