My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
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i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations