My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
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commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
how much for the angry fruit?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
