My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
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Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
iPhone X
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.