My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
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I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Did I do this right
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s