Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

🤣

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut