Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

Erm…

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

oh my god

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.