Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

.

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️

Yelp: Its prison ma’am.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.