Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok