My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
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Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Hard not to take this personally
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds