My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
You Might Also Like
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
This makes total sense…
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.