Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD