Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

Good for him.

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

Show me a better name for a sugar company.

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Saturday

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?