my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
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He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.