Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.