my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
You Might Also Like
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight