my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
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These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
felt that
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
🤝
