My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
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Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Yes my dude
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
listen closely
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Ummm 😳
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.