Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

Here’s a meme

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

My blood type is coffee.

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

wow

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

“I wouldn’t.”