My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
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*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Why soy sad?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.