My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
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Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.