Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

A small tragedy.

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

Cop lights are so pretty at night

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.